So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
