I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
