i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
