My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
