The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
