i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
