I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
