i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
