sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
wow bdsm is so cute
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