It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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