now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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