i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
