some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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