just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
