There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
