i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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