Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
