I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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