I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
