i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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