You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
