he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
there is glitter all over my balls
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