thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
