I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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