We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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