So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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