I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
