i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
