I am midnight drunk by noon
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
