She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
