A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
