what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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