In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
