Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
