Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
should my penis look like a turkey
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
