He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
