like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
