never play flip cup with pint glasses
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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