Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
