Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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