It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
