when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
