I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
