Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
