Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
