I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
