and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
