Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
