i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you had me at cake vodka
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
