billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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