i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
