This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
