i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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